Not only has Jodi Picoult given me immense pleasure over the years, but she has also now potentially saved me from something horrendous. A past experience of a psychotic episode. Something that Doctors, psychologists and mental health nurses couldn’t explain to me.
Endless google searches only served to tell me that psychosis was all about delusions and hallucinations — tell me something I didn’t know.
‘Wish you were here’ is actually based around COVID. As with all Picoult novels, this is not how it begins. There is always a twist and mental health problems are the same. The main character experiencing a psychotic episode brought on by COVID-induced ventilation.
Initially — fear — concern — should I read on — would this help — would it hinder?
Now I am aware the initial phase can make you feel like you are under surveillance — sometimes it feels like what you do at home is replayed in front of you when you enter the outside world.
I knew I needed to get out in the community. I knew I needed to do things that I enjoyed. I know that I had to push through my physio. That I needed to draw. To continue with my writing. Look after me. Be clean and fresh.
What I didn’t realise was that I was losing grip on reality again. That my head was tumbling downwards. That I was seeing things — hearing people when that was impossible — freaking out over simple everyday things — wanting to stay in bed. Not caring what I looked like.
Now I know that there is a prodromal phase. This is followed by the acute phase. Finally, we enter the recovery phase. Clearly, you want to avoid the worse and jump into recovery before the prodromal phase takes hold too tightly — for this to occur without hospital intervention.
I do not want a repeat episode of my last recovery. Scared to go to the doctor — but not because I don’t want to admit that I have a problem. But because the person who put me where I don’t want to be is the very first person who would make that decision, based on what I do or don’t tell him and how he responds.
The risk for me is too great — giving myself time to use this additional knowledge — taking control of myself — I have a support network even if it is very small. They know me — not the condition — the things to look for in me each day. I plan to try — BUT a timescale is set. Promises made. To myself — of others — together we forge to find the right way back to health. There's fear but also knowledge and experience.
Once again a journey has begun — not one I wanted to take — these things happen. Life events tell up — not releasing until it’s too late — the symptoms mistaken — the crucial factor is to recognise and manage — early intervention will always result in a better outcome.
Please remember if you think you have a mental health problem or someone close to you has then get help. The risk of waiting too long is too great. You can contact 111 and be referred to the crisis team or contact your GP.
Resources and support can be found at:
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