With so much to do and moving from one thing to another — plans in place — pacing worked out. I move from one activity to another. Flowing from one mental task to a more physical one. Perhaps a taxing task to a more relaxing one.
Variety is the spice of life right? That’s what I try to replicate. A day that consists of steps I hope will lead me to a better life. Physiotherapy — creativity — coursework and relaxation to name but a few.
Reading, drawing and writing and things that I cherish— logging what I do — how I feel and how I respond to certain situations. Using a colour wheel of emotions to make sense of the world. Vision boards with positive sayings and reminders of my goals.
Planning trips out on days when there’s less physiotherapy to do. Ensuring the week is balanced. Monitoring my mental health — looking for triggers — identifying worrying symptoms. Knowing that they may be a point when I need to reach out. Hoping that day doesn’t come. Avoiding it like the plague.
Not wanting to return to a place where I was supposed to be safe — cared for — loved — nursed back to health. Not wishing to interact with old practitioners. Wanting a chance with someone new — that won’t judge on the last decline. Won’t jump into the most invasive action.
The fall from grace to a place of distress — despair and disconnection from the world. Something I cannot remember — yet something I can remember. I know what it was like and what I was like — but I don’t understand why it happened — what actually happened — until now.
A book about COVID actually helped me. Gave me the push I needed to get life into perspective. A new search term for Google. Some explanations — the stages — the warning signs.
Knowing that a second time my chance of recovery would be slim makes it harder to bare and gives me more determination to avoid the situation. Perhaps delaying the inevitable but also hoping that this time I have got my head around these changes in me early enough to put interventions into place. Making sure that I’m at least hitting the basics and then taking it from there.
Missing links are definitely there and deeply felt. With the holiday season upon us, there is even more pressure. This week's outs are mainly medical — just not the mental health side that is tearing me apart. That I was discharged from — seems it doesn’t matter how ill you are these days there are just discharges — referrals — sometimes waiting lists of which I am on many. I know my limits — when to ask for help — a key factor on the route back to health.
If you need mental health support you can contact Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
Samaritans are available round the clock, every single day of the year. Call 116 123 for free or visit www.samaritans.org to get advice.
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